This past Tuesday, Brazilian FA president and presumed Gilbert and Sullivan aficionado Ricardo Teixeira branded the British “a bunch of pirates”, vowing to “make their lives hell” should he ever succeed Sepp Blatter as FIFA supremo. Teixeira, lest we should somehow forget, was targeted along with several other FIFA big cheeses in the BBC's fateful Panorama broadcast of November last year. You remember that don’t you? It managed to refocus the foggy light of doubt on FIFA’s finances whilst (some would argue) simultaneously torpedoing the nation's hopes of hosting the 2018 World Cup. Having been clocked in his not-inconsiderable jaw by the full force of the Beeb’s journalistic wrath, Teixeira – one-time son in law of former FIFA president João Havelange – clearly had some swashbuckling words to get off of his chest.
It’s been an eventful week all told for Blatter and co, what with recent challenger Mohammed Bin Hammam finding himself banned from the federation for life after being found guilty of crude envelope-stuffing. The accused didn't even show up in court to hear the judgement, instead deploying a crack team of legal eagles to fight his corner. Bin Hammam explained his no-show by stating that he believed his fate was predetermined, hinting that an appeal was already being prepped long before the ruling had even been passed. Either this was a bold critique of the very concept of free will, or a simple distrust of the federation’s judicial principles. I wouldn’t like to nail my colours to the mast either way; although I will say that FIFA could probably learn a thing or two from the pirate code of conduct.
To be honest, I just don't know who to believe any more. The more criss-crossed the finger pointing becomes, the more unseemly the whole charade gets, like some endless game of drunken Cluedo: Bin Hammam, in the Hyatt Regency, with the unmarked bills. Somewhere someone important is telling fibs, but having tried to force a coup and failed, the power of many is now resolutely against Bin Hammam. It's times like these that FIFA closes ranks and rallies behind its great leader, hoping sheer strength in numbers will be enough to fight off any growing mutiny. Best of luck with the appeal, old chap.
And yet it’s possible our merry band of buccaneers may not be alone on the waves for long, as this Wednesday European Club Association (ECA) chairbod Karl-Heinze Rummenigge damned FIFA for viewing cash flow as “more important than serious and clean governance”. Sometimes I like to pretend that ExCo members aren't merely indebted to Blatter, but are in fact acting under some ungodly, mind-control hoodoo, beholden to a cunning preceptor of suggestion. They're all good-natured, morally-upstanding sorts really, it's just that Blatter has put the whammy on them. If Sepp tells you something's clean, then it's clean. Be grateful he doesn't do your windows.
Teixeira, meanwhile, went on to position himself away from any perceived wrongdoing on the ExCo's part. “Look me in the face and tell me that I'd say something as stupid as asking for a bribe in front of everyone, right there in the stands”, he insoucianced, as a thousand journalists bit their tongues in painful unison. Not that such a statement should be twisted into an arse-about-face admission of guilt, of course. It is notable, however, that he failed to deny any alleged wrongdoing on the part of his peers, his words not at all leaving open the possibility that there might exist more private places to perform such carry on, if one were so inclined. Everyone knows that the really big deals go down far way from prying eyes anyway.
In truth, Teixeira's words make me sad, and not just because of their belligerent tone. It’s more to do with their reinforcement of the grim stereotype of men in positions of power failing to shoulder equivalent responsibility. For someone hoping to one day run for head office, there's some seriously questionable logic behind brazenly bad-mouthing your electorate (something Gordon Brown would no doubt testify to).
And also: pirates? Really? Given a choice of brigandish epithet, that's surely not the dangerous, slicked-back, devil-may-care image our FA would have gone for. If FIFA must paint them as a rabble-rousing mob of no-goodniks, they could at least go for something a little more contemporary and catchy. Like 'cyberpunks'. Or 'News-Corpers'.
Regrettably, I now close my eyes at night only to dream of Richard Scudamore in a tricorne, stood high in the crow's nest of the good ship World Cup Bid, telescope pushed close to his one good eye, as David Beckham performs keepy-uppies on the poop deck with his peg leg, and David Cameron issues telegraphs from the mainland telling them everything's fine, just don't mention the bribes. All of which, were it real, would presumably make Price William the cabin boy, although I should really bring this analogy to a halt now – us Brits can still be executed for treason, you know.
In fact, what truly disheartens me is that Teixeira's denouncement is depressingly symptomatic of the ExCo's fight-fire-with-fire tactics; a supposedly harmonious “family” (Blatter's word, not mine) reduced to name calling and narrow-eyed threats of vengeance. I'm shocked no-one’s aimed a jibe at Captain Scudamore's mum. Yet.
For it's own part, the FA are usually quick to meet FIFA’s insults and inconsistencies with the always-popular tactic of stamping their feet and crying “IT'S NOT FAIR!” at the top of their lungs like a disenfranchised teen. Yes we were denied the World Cup, and while there are various aspects of FIFA’s conduct which stink like a Shoreditch gents', getting huffy won't make the problem go away. So, instead of spitting the dummy, why not be the bigger men and take a more proactive stand? Let’s revoke our membership and encourage others to follow suit. Hit FIFA where it chafes the most: in the wallet. Swipe their bounty. Bury their treasure. It's what any pirate worth his salt would do.
~ Matt
No comments:
Post a Comment