Part Ref, Part Machine, All Wrong (Part II)

Having made quite the impression on its officiating début, Fifa's WhistleBot3000 prototype has been thrown into the action full-time, tasked with keeping our petulant Premier League stars on the straight and narrow for the remainder of the 2011/12 season.

In the second part of our exclusive report, we catch up with the fearsome law enforcer and his new FA colleagues as they attempt to win over the hearts and minds of a sceptical public. But as you'll see, things don't go quite to plan, and before long matters get much, much worse...

(If you missed 'Part I', you can catch up right here)

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Wednesday 14^th March, 2012, 14:20

Hattlewhich Primary School, Lincolnshire, England

In an effort to remove some of the mystique from their new recruit, the FA takes it's futuristic officiating team out on a 'WhistleBotStop' tour of local schools and football clubs. The sessions involve a display of the WhistleBot's functions, which include the always-impressive InstaTranslation, an in-built voice recognition tool which immediately picks out offensive terms from over two hundred languages, a feature it is hoped will drive dissent from today's multinational game.

In the sleepy town of Hattlewhich, Lincolnshire, Head of Modern Languages Mr Childs is asked to help with a demonstration by insulting the WhistleBot in a dialect of his choice. After unleashing a light-hearted tirade of French metaphor and simile, Mr Childs is shown a yellow card, much to the amusement of the onlooking pupils. Unfortunately, Mr Childs takes too long leaving the demonstration area, leading to the WhistleBot carrying out one if it's more controversial procedures, the AntiCooperation stun hold.

After the local paramedics depart, the day ends with a rather stilted question & answer session, followed by a chance for students to have their homework diaries imprinted with the WhistleBot's e-signature. Most in attendance are too afraid to approach.

Saturday 7^th April, 2012, 10:41

Nuneaton, Warwickshire, England

In an interview with The Sun newspaper, league referee Stuart Attwell speaks of his displeasure at being repeatedly overlooked for high profile fixtures in favour of the WhistleBot. “It seems the FA have lost faith in their own officials”, claims Attwell. “It's a real worry for those of us who have worked tirelessly to improve standards in the game from within and I fear a mutiny from my refereeing colleagues isn't far away.”

The interview is published on the same day that the WhistleBot sends Manchester City manager Robert Mancini to the stands for looking like a moody Italian tosser, arguably it's least controversial decision so far. Critics, however, claim that the WhistleBot is showing increasing signs of both on-field belligerence and off-field misbehaviour. Fifa are unavailable for comment.

Wednesday 11^th April, 2012, 23:20

Kensington, West London, England

After taking charge of the Chelsea vs Barcelona Champion's League semi-final second leg at Stamford Bridge, the WhistleBot is snapped by paparazzi leaving several exclusive bars in London's West End. Later in the night the official is spotted partying with celebrities at the Soho's famous Groucho Club, accompanied by the LinesWomanZX931. The WhistleBot is reported to have emerged from the rest rooms looking “twitchy” and, after knocking back champagne with stars of hit show The Only Way Is Essex, spends several minutes chatting with James Corden, a discussion which, according to concerned onlookers, quickly turned “animated” when the WhistleBot sends a rather saucy message directly the BlackBerry of Corden's female companion.

Corden is next seen several hours later leaving London's Princess Grace Hospital holding an ice pack to his cheek and mumbling something about giving “that copper-plate **** a straight red of his own... I've got money... I know people...”

Sunday 15^th April, 2012, 17:18

Wembley Stadium, London, England

The WhistleBot is placed in charge of the FA Cup semi-final between Liverpool and Millwall. Controversy erupts midway through the second half when chants of “the WhistleBot's a *******” lead to the entire Millwall end being placed in a laser-guided holding cell until the end of extra time. This results in several thousand singed scalps and the accidental incineration of a home-made tinfoil replica trophy.

Monday May 14^th 2012, 04:03

Toxteth, Merseyside, England

Having described the WhistleBot's placing of James Perch into a coma-like hypersleep following a two-footed lunge on Darren Gibson during Newcastle's final day encounter at Everton as “an astonishing abuse of power”, Match Of The Day pundit Alan Hansen is reported to have arrived at Toxteth police station later the same night dazed, shivering and apparently delirious, gabbling incoherently that “it's after me... the thing... the m... m... metal thing... it wants to k...kill me... it's got Mark... OH JESUS IT'S GOT MARK!”.

The next day colleague Mark Lawrenson is officially listed by Merseyside police as “missing, presumed vaporised”.

Sunday 1^st July 2012, 11:31

Olympic Stadium, Kiev, Ukraine

Despite it's burgeoning off-field issues – which include a charge of possessing controlled substances and eight separate accusations of assault – Fifa decide to go ahead with it's much-criticised plan to allow the WhistleBot and it's team to take charge of the European Championship final between Germany and Spain.

In an interview broadcast live on the morning of the final, the WhistleBot, holding a cold compress to it's forehead and abruptly ending calls from someone only identifiable as “Lana”, states that today represents the proudest moment of it's six thousand year lifespan so far. This is despite 'pride' being supposedly placed on an encoded, in-built 'emotion blacklist' by the official's creators.

Sunday 1^st July, 2012, 20:06

Olympic Stadium, Kiev, Ukraine

Uefa's showpiece occasion is thrown into disarray following the sixth minute dismissal of Spain’s Gerard Pique. The Barcelona defender is given his marching orders after the WhistleBot spots him brandishing an imaginary card following a halfway line collision between team-mate Andreas Iniesta and Germany’s Sami Khedira. Pique’s cries of innocence fall on deaf ears and are soon silenced outright as the official sends him to the dressing room, regretfully by throwing him straight down the tunnel by his arms. “I wasn’t holding up a card,” protests the stricken Spaniard from his stretcher. “I was just waving to my girlfriend in the crowd.”

The final is eventually won 2-1 on penalties by Germany following 120 goalless minutes. The game should have been abandoned after a record thirteen players are sent off, but the WhistleBot forces the match to continue in scenes described by one member of the attending press as “like something you'd see in a slave colony”. The game finally ends when a tearful Cesc Fabregas sends his penalty over the bar (apparently on purpose), before sinking to his knees and sobbing, “make it stop... just make it stop”.

Monday 2^nd July, 13:28

Fifa HQ, Zurich, Switzerland

The WhistleBot is summoned before Fifa's Executive Committee to answer questions relating to it's recent behaviour, and to respond to rumours that the LinesWomanZX931 has fallen pregnant by the WhistleBot, seemingly as part of a grand plan to produce it's own army of merciless robot officials. Unfortunately the WhistleBot shows itself to have become almost completely self-aware, brutally attacking several ExCo members currently facing corruption charges before destroying the building and laying waste to several surrounding streets, growling ominously, “NEXT STOP: LONDON”.

From beneath the rubble of his office, Sepp Blatter makes a desperate phone call to the FA's Wembley headquarters, attempting to warn them of the WhistleBot's intentions before it's too late.

Monday 2^nd July, 14:51

Nuneaton, Warwickshire, England

The phone in Stuart Attwell's kitchen rings. “Stuart, thank God you're there, this is Mike Riley. I think we’ve made a terrible mistake. The WhistleBot is out of control and heading for London. I know that... no, listen, Stuart... I know that we shouldn't have abandoned you. We're sorry and we want you and your colleagues back. Please help us! What do you say? Will you come back? Stuart? No, don't hang up Stuart! Stuart? Stua...”

The line goes dead.

~ Matt

Part Ref, Part Machine, All Wrong (Part I)

Following fierce recent debate over refereeing standards amidst a spate of late, two-footed challenges, reports coming out of Zurich today suggest that Fifa has decidedly to finally get serious where football officiating is concerned. It's a problem plaguing the game worldwide. England’s referees, whilst trying their darndest to officiate this great game of ours, just can’t seem to keep up with today's lightening-paced action, being as they are all fleshy and fallible and such. With our pitches out of control and the fragile line between legal and illegal blurred to an almost indiscernible haze, something clearly must be done.

And so, after years of seeing the game's selfless mediators undermined by endless TV replays, hypercritical punditry and the instant, heated post-match reactions of managers and players alike, rumours have begun circulating that Fifa are set to unveil historic plans to restore a little matchday law and order.

By pure coincidence, Look Away Now recently stumbled across a rip in the space-time continuum in an alleyway in Soho (we were lost, honest) and decided take a trip into the near future. Having glimpsed the state of things to come, we can now bring you this exclusive, two-part report on the future of football officiating.

Brace yourselves...

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Thursday 2^nd February, 15:00

Fifa HQ, Zurich, Switzerland

Football's governing body has called a press conference to announce what it has termed “the future of football law enforcement”. The hastily-gathered press pack is to be treated to a first glimpse of Fifa's until-now top secret weapon against on-field indiscipline. Having apparently resisted calls to introduce technology into football for several years, grinning president Sepp Blatter cheerfully announces that this was all a bit of smoke and mirrors and that they have in fact spent the last four years working in partnership with Earth's most respected individuals in the fields of physics, engineering and robotics to create the ultimate football officiating machine.

As the watching world adjusts it's screens in disbelief, a curtain is lifted at the front of the room. “Ladies and gentlemen... OK, gentlemen... please put your hands together for the WhistleBot3000”. To a chorus of gasps, we are presented with what can only be described as a nine-foot tall robotic referee. “Any questions?”, beams Blatter. Several question follow, including “Are you serious?” and “No, really, are you serious??” Blatter confirms that, yes, he is indeed quite serious.

Thursday 2^nd February, 15:12

Fifa HQ, Zurich, Switzerland

Early technical issues, as a demonstration of the WhistleBot3000’s capabilities results in a small malfunction, causing a Reuters correspondent to lose an ear. “Whilst attempting a walk-through of a standard dismissal procedure, the WhistleBot temporarily lost control of it's red card, which was unfortunately dispatched across the press area. At roughly 138mph,” states a Fifa official, barely audible from his position cowering behind a whiteboard at the back of the room.

Despite these “teething problems”, Fifa announce that the WhistleBot3000 prototype – along with its two assistants, LinesManZX850 and LinesWomanZX931 – will make it’s first official appearance in the upcoming Scottish Premier League fixture between Rangers and Celtic. Suggestions that this may be a rather hostile introduction to a life of officialdom are casually batted away by Fifa officials, showing what some journalists report as a “callous disregard for public safety.” Rumours that they were referring to having to travel to Glasgow remain unconfirmed.

Sunday 12^th February, 12:42

Ibrox Stadium, Glasgow, Scotland

With only minutes to go before the twenty-eighth Old Firm clash of the season gets under way, the WhistleBot3000 leads the teams out onto the Ibrox pitch. The sight of the tungsten-reinforced official is met with a mixture of cheers and bemusement from the 51,000-strong capacity crowd, most of whom are wondering exactly how much they drank the night before.

After 21 incident-free minutes, the WhistleBot waves away the visitors' appeals for a penalty after an apparent handball by Ranger's Carlos Bocanegra. Neil Lennon’s charge from his technical area to remonstrate with the (humanoid) fourth official is swiftly dealt with by the WhistleBot, fixing it's LED-infused glare with Lennon’s and ordering immediate withdrawal back into his allotted touchline space, giving the Celtic boss “TWENTY SECONDS TO COMPLY.” Lennon, unsurprisingly, complies.

Tuesday 14^th February, 2012, 11:06

Wembley Stadium, London, England

Following a successful Old Firm debut, Fifa announces that the WhistleBot team will now be a regular fixture for the remainder of both the English Premier League and SPL seasons. “We're delighted to welcome the WhistleBot3000 and his assistants to England”, announces an undeniably nervous looking referee's chief Mike Riley, speaking to the gathered reporters, all the while shifting nervously in his seat. The WhistleBot, sat next to Riley, responds to a flurry of questions with a single, repeated, ominous mantra: “I AM THE LAW.”

To be continued...