Thursday, 2 February 2012

Part Ref, Part Machine, All Wrong (Part I)

Following fierce recent debate over refereeing standards amidst a spate of late, two-footed challenges, reports coming out of Zurich today suggest that Fifa has decidedly to finally get serious where football officiating is concerned. It's a problem plaguing the game worldwide. England’s referees, whilst trying their darndest to officiate this great game of ours, just can’t seem to keep up with today's lightening-paced action, being as they are all fleshy and fallible and such. With our pitches out of control and the fragile line between legal and illegal blurred to an almost indiscernible haze, something clearly must be done.

And so, after years of seeing the game's selfless mediators undermined by endless TV replays, hypercritical punditry and the instant, heated post-match reactions of managers and players alike, rumours have begun circulating that Fifa are set to unveil historic plans to restore a little matchday law and order.

By pure coincidence, Look Away Now recently stumbled across a rip in the space-time continuum in an alleyway in Soho (we were lost, honest) and decided take a trip into the near future. Having glimpsed the state of things to come, we can now bring you this exclusive, two-part report on the future of football officiating.

Brace yourselves...


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Thursday 2nd February, 15:00
Fifa HQ, Zurich, Switzerland

Football's governing body has called a press conference to announce what it has termed “the future of football law enforcement”. The hastily-gathered press pack is to be treated to a first glimpse of Fifa's until-now top secret weapon against on-field indiscipline. Having apparently resisted calls to introduce technology into football for several years, grinning president Sepp Blatter cheerfully announces that this was all a bit of smoke and mirrors and that they have in fact spent the last four years working in partnership with Earth's most respected individuals in the fields of physics, engineering and robotics to create the ultimate football officiating machine.

As the watching world adjusts it's screens in disbelief, a curtain is lifted at the front of the room. “Ladies and gentlemen... OK, gentlemen... please put your hands together for the WhistleBot3000”. To a chorus of gasps, we are presented with what can only be described as a nine-foot tall robotic referee. “Any questions?”, beams Blatter. Several question follow, including “Are you serious?” and “No, really, are you serious??” Blatter confirms that, yes, he is indeed quite serious.



Thursday 2nd February, 15:12
Fifa HQ, Zurich, Switzerland

Early technical issues, as a demonstration of the WhistleBot3000’s capabilities results in a small malfunction, causing a Reuters correspondent to lose an ear. “Whilst attempting a walk-through of a standard dismissal procedure, the WhistleBot temporarily lost control of it's red card, which was unfortunately dispatched across the press area. At roughly 138mph,” states a Fifa official, barely audible from his position cowering behind a whiteboard at the back of the room.

Despite these “teething problems”, Fifa announce that the WhistleBot3000 prototype – along with its two assistants, LinesManZX850 and LinesWomanZX931 – will make it’s first official appearance in the upcoming Scottish Premier League fixture between Rangers and Celtic. Suggestions that this may be a rather hostile introduction to a life of officialdom are casually batted away by Fifa officials, showing what some journalists report as a “callous disregard for public safety.” Rumours that they were referring to having to travel to Glasgow remain unconfirmed.



Sunday 12th February, 12:42
Ibrox Stadium, Glasgow, Scotland

With only minutes to go before the twenty-eighth Old Firm clash of the season gets under way, the WhistleBot3000 leads the teams out onto the Ibrox pitch. The sight of the tungsten-reinforced official is met with a mixture of cheers and bemusement from the 51,000-strong capacity crowd, most of whom are wondering exactly how much they drank the night before.

After 21 incident-free minutes, the WhistleBot waves away the visitors' appeals for a penalty after an apparent handball by Ranger's Carlos Bocanegra. Neil Lennon’s charge from his technical area to remonstrate with the (humanoid) fourth official is swiftly dealt with by the WhistleBot, fixing it's LED-infused glare with Lennon’s and ordering immediate withdrawal back into his allotted touchline space, giving the Celtic boss “TWENTY SECONDS TO COMPLY.” Lennon, unsurprisingly, complies.



Tuesday 14th February, 2012, 11:06
Wembley Stadium, London, England

Following a successful Old Firm debut, Fifa announces that the WhistleBot team will now be a regular fixture for the remainder of both the English Premier League and SPL seasons. “We're delighted to welcome the WhistleBot3000 and his assistants to England”, announces an undeniably nervous looking referee's chief Mike Riley, speaking to the gathered reporters, all the while shifting nervously in his seat. The WhistleBot, sat next to Riley, responds to a flurry of questions with a single, repeated, ominous mantra: “I AM THE LAW.”


To be continued...


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