Shop 'til You (Avoid The) Drop

A new year, a new beginning. That’s what they say isn’t it? Obviously the correct time for anyone to make a fresh start is a fairly arbitrary decision: one’s life may have taken many unexpected and not necessarily successful twists over the span of a year, so waiting until you hang the new calendar on the fridge to sort out your woes is probably a bad idea. I blame Pope Gregory XIII, the know-it-all fusspot.

Nonetheless, January seems to be widely accepted as presenting ample opportunity for renewal and redesign, and no more so than in that barmy old world of professional football. Across the country, managers, chairmen, chief executives and those loveable, cuddly agent-types are once more becoming one with their smartphones; ears soldered to the plastic, gradually resembling some hideous flesh-n-plastic art installation. The transfer window means that clubs large and small will be spending the next 19 days rummaging through football's bargain bins in search of a player not just with something special to offer, but with a “reduced to clear” sticker plastered across their face.

English clubs’ histories of sniffing out a quality deal or two at these times is a particularly chequered one. Back in the misty winter of 2003, Steve Bruce cobbled together his gift vouchers and Christmas money in a gallant attempt to save newly-promoted Birmingham City from the ignominy of instant relegation. Bruce stumbled across Christophe Dugarry and he, amongst others, lifted Brum to a comfortable finish of 13th place. Meanwhile, the cannier folk out there have put the window to good use when it comes to long-term planning. In 2005, Sir Alex Ferguson invested a total of £12.5m in Nemanja Vidic and Patrice Evra who for the first few months of their Manchester United careers were, with little deviation, shocking. Half a decade on, a shrewder pair of deals you be hard-pressed to pinpoint. But not every bout of spring shopping reaps rewards. In the summer of 2008 Rafa Benitez decided (wisely or not) to keep the receipt for Robbie Keane, returning him barely five months later to the Tottenham club shop for a discount price and quite possibly store credit (although this has never been confirmed by either party). In January 2008 Middlesbrough splashed out £12m on Heerenveen's Afonso Alves. Should I go on? I didn't think so.

Yet exciting as this scramble for misplaced talent surely is, does the mid-season transfer window actually help or hinder clubs? It's arguable that the impact of the window can be felt heaviest further down the professional leagues, where agents can push prices and wage demands upwards, leaving clubs to subside in desperation as they plug holes in already thread-bare squads, such are the financial extremes of success or failure. And yet in certain respects the creation of the window has meant an important synchronisation of the English leagues with their European counterparts. In England, compulsory transfer windows were brought into practice during the 2002-03 season at the behest of UEFA in order to fall into line with other European federations. Major leagues such as Serie A and La Liga already had tight transfer window restrictions in place, as any late nineties, sexually frustrated Championship Manager devotee will testify to. Before this, permanent transfers were permitted at any point between the close of the previous season and the end of March, lessening the pressure to spend hastily, but arguably creating an unequal marketplace between the financial haves and have-nots.

One of the biggest problems for today's clubs lies with players who become unhappy with their lot between windows and sulk their way towards perceived salvation, dragging their heals and creating disharmony within the squad and amongst supporters. You'd probably have to admit, though, that this very much reflects larger issues of wage demands, player power and agent influence, as any rule can frustrate those trying to stick to it if single-minded dissenters attempt to force their will.

In a couple of weeks’ time the metaphorical window slams shut, causing a wind tunnel to blow open all the outlying doors at football clubs across the country, resulting in tracksuited managers swearing, shouting and rushing across the room to close them before their post gets swept into the car park. Or at least that’s what happens in my mind. The rather more prosaic reality is that clubs desperate for silverware or merely survival will throw about cash and contracts in a bid to correct the mistakes of summer past, or maybe because they, like the rest of us, just really love a bargain.

With this in mind, and especially in these tough economic times, we perhaps shouldn't look too harshly on those forlorn and feverish managers out there hunting for a good deal. In that spirit, Look Away Now has scoured the land to bring you a handy cut-out-and-bin list of some of the best bargains to be had this spring, fresh from the press releases of the retailers themselves. Chairmen of the league, take note:

David Bentley (Tottenham Hotspur)

Sale Price: £6m

Take a trip to the Lane this January for massive discounts! Now available: your own replica David Beckham doll to see you through the spring. Comes with treble-winning era haircut, free-kick function and questionable on-field discipline – just like the real thing! A snip at only £6m. Worried about VAT? Just ask in store for “Harry” and we'll take care of the rest!

Michael Owen (Manchester United)

Sale Price: circa 2001, about £20-30m; now, whatever you can find down the back of the sofa.

Find a huge in-store saving when you visit Old Trafford this weekend! We've got one well-rested thoroughbred for sale: he’s looking for a caring stable offering regular track time. Huge experience at the highest level. Yours for just £6.50 or three buckets of feed. Why are we selling a horse in the club shop? Because we're crazy... BUT NOT AS CRAZY AS OUR PRICES!

Emmanuel Adebayor/Wayne Bridge/Roque Santa Cruz/Shay Given (Manchester City)

Sale Price: £3–10m each (not that we really need it).

Savings of up to 70% can be found in the blue half of Manchester this January in our huge spring clearance! Fight those inflated Bosnian imports with top-quality designer names at brick-a-brack prices. Everything must go! We also do a tasteful line in winter scarves (available in light blue & white only).

Scott Parker/Matthew Upson/Carlton Cole (West Ham United)

Sale Price: £5–10m each, plus a free copy of Russell Brand's Booky Wook 2. Seriously, just take one.

It's mid-season clearance time at Upton Park and this year we're slashing prices as well as the wage bill! Save up to 25% on (reasonably) famous household names, as well as our own Gold & Sullivan signature range of just-like-the-real-thing jewellery, available from a three-wheeled van out the back. Must end soon! Isn't that right, Avram?

Ryan Babel (Liverpool)

Sale Price: available for loan/hire-purchase

Don't delay, hurry down to Anfield today! Now you really will never walk alone with this media-savvy winger-cum-forward for company. Pay nothing for the first six months! Not completely satisfied? Tell us about it…

~ Matt