The Look Away Now Poetic Prediction Corner

If we’ve learnt anything from the week just gone, it’s that football ain’t nothing like predictable. Show us a person on Monday morning claiming Paul Stretf… sorry, Wayne Rooney, would be walking out on Manchester United and into the lustful arms of a 200k-per-second deal with Man City three days later, and we’d have shown you a certified maniac. Or a genuine savant, in which case get your hands off, he’s ours.

We’d be even more possessive of them if they’d managed to call today’s drama too, as Mr Rooney decided to have a proper look at the cows in the other fields, take a sup of their milk and flip City the bird. Not quite sure what that means? Us neither. But the end result is that England’s handsome young prince is staying put… for the time being at least. We’ve been reminded this afternoon that Cristiano Ronaldo signed a fresh, sparkly new deal at Old Trafford two years prior to shimmying his way to the Bernabéu, allowing United to eventually claim back top dollar on their investment. Has the cloud of smoke and bullshit really dissipated or just become hidden behind a few rays of October sunshine?

Let’s be honest, there’s been plenty of grubby goings-on this week: the Rooney shenanigans aside, we’ve seen some depressing cash-for-votes nonsense in the FIFA hierarchy and the usual smattering of arrests and related sordid rumour. And we haven’t even mentioned Gazza. Until now. With these grim thoughts in mind, isn’t it time someone returned a bit of class and light-heartedness to this fair sport of ours?

If you weren’t sure, the answer you’re straining for is ‘yes’. So this week, in the name of art/wilful tomfoolery, we’ve taken the brave and potentially hideously off-putting step of bringing you the weekend’s top flight predictions in the form of haiku. Yes, we understand the hazards of brazenly arranging a marriage of base football mutterings and high-concept wordplay, but this is our blog and we’ll make the executive decision to endanger its longevity if we want to.

So, without further ado, in the spirit of faux-mysticism and irregular rhyme schemes, and with more left-field verve than a Gareth Bale counter-attack, let’s make like Karl Henry and dive straight in…

Saturday, 23rd October

Tottenham v Everton, 12:45pm

Never one to bore

Hot Spurs chew on tough Toffees

Wise money on draw.

1-1

Birmingham v Blackpool, 3pm

Nice start, unlike Brum

‘pool away run to succumb

To Zigic, ho-hum.

2-1

Chealsea v Wolves, 3pm

Lupine assault fails

As toothless Wolves draw no blood

Chelsea score plus four.

5-0

Sunderland v Aston Villa, 3pm

Nothing to see here

Honestly, do not bother

Who’s next? West Brom? Great…

0-0

West Brom v Fulham, 3pm

What has Escher got

In common with Welshman Hughes?

Both know how to draw.

1-1

Wigan v Bolton, 3pm

Glamour clash it ain’t

But Wigan to suffer from

Coyle and trouble.

1-2

West Ham v Newcastle, 5:30pm

Blowing bubbles up

Hodgson’s arse. Look out Andy,

Your motor’s on fire.

1-1

Sunday, 24th October

Stoke v Man Utd, 1:30pm

Super Sunday? No

Just long throws and stoppage time

Death to Paul Stretford

1-2

Liverpool v Blackburn, 3pm

Not walking alone

They’ve West Ham for company

Sam for Kop? Dream on.

1-0

Man City v Arsenal, 4pm

De Jong smells young blood,

We watch mathletic passing

Hitting big brick wall

0-0

~ Ed & Matt