If You Don’t Want To Know This Weekend’s Football Results…

…yeah, we’ll let you finish that particular gag yourselves. Welcome back to our hopefully regular run-down of the weekend’s top flight action. Now that the cold chill of the international break has thawed, we can get back the important business of watching our under-performing England stars strut their stuff on the club stage. Thanks guys!

Saturday 16th October

Arsenal v Birmingham, 3pm

Frustration, thy name is Arsenal. So easy on the eye, so infuriating on the heart, Arsenal’s recent seasons are taking on a Groundhog Day feel: a decent start embellished with some sumptuous football, inevitably undermined before long by injuries to key players and a failure to match up to their key rivals when met head-on. In fact, one could even say these opening seven matches have been a recent Arsenal season in microcosm.

Birmingham’s start, meanwhile, has been underwhelming – are they suffering from classic second-season syndrome, the kind which has accounted for Reading, Hull, and others over the years? Arsenal let themselves down spectacularly against West Brom, but Brum simply aren’t in form and slapping your wages on anything but a home win would paint you a braver person than either of us. 2-1

Bolton v Stoke, 3pm

Owen Coyle is deftly guiding Bolton into new waters; less about studs in shins, more about neat passing triangles and England call-ups. Sure international newbie Kevin Davis can still be counted on to push his elbow into the throats of on-rushing defenders, but there is a guile about their play now that Stoke could take note from.  Having said that, Stoke will make this a physical encounter and Bolton are certainly not backwards about coming forwards if someone offers them outside. We expect Matt Taylor to push his gnarled and tattooed torso through the Stoke masses and score a blinder, or for Elmander to continue his neat run of goals. 1-0

Fulham v Tottenham, 3pm

Unbeaten in the league, Mark Hughes has carried his preternatural ability to carve out draw after tedious draw from his tenure at Man City to his new role at Craven Cottage. The Fulham rear guard will have to try to contain Van der Vaart who has no reason to hold back, seeing as he is suspended for the mid-week Inter clash. Spurs should have at least couple of their crocked defenders back on Saturday as both Kaboul and Gallas trained this week. Should the Tottenham that fizz with exuberance turn up, Fulham will do well to eke out a(nother) draw, however the spectre of recent lacklustre league performances still looms large over Tottenham and Fulham will feed off this for encouragement. 1-2

Man Utd v West Brom, 3pm

Story of United’s season so far: home you win, away you draw. Simple? Hardly. Sir Alex will surely be frustrated with various aspects of United’s start – Valencia’s nasty crock, some truly amateur defending, Mr Rooney’s spectacular fall from both public and footballing grace. The form of Messrs Berbatov and Scholes have been the bright sparks in a season which, as yet, has failed to properly ignite. A note of optimism for supporters – the last time United went unbeaten for their first seven league games was ten years ago. A note of pessimism – they lost the eighth.

In almost blinding contrast, West Brom have hit the ground running as Roberto Di Matteo at last adds some steel to the Baggies always pretty footwork. They’ll be hoping Rooney continues to struggle with his phantom “ankle injury”, although you’d have to think that even with a sub-par leading man, United will have enough in reserve to put this game to bed. 3-1

Newcastle v Wigan, 3pm

Ah, now here is the type of clash which was bread and butter for Newcastle last year.  Wigan, shorn of former (sort of) Toon-idle Titus Bramble, have had trouble keeping the ball out the onion bag and Newcastle, in front of a baying home crowd, will look to put them under pressure. While Ben Arfa’s loss is a blow it seems fair to say that he was hardly a long standing member of their squad and while their form at St James’ has been laughable thus far (Villa thrashing aside) they should be able to cope. 3-1

Wolves v West Ham, 3pm

Kick McCarthy (as he will never be known) will no doubt have his team fired up for this early season six-pointer, although perhaps he’ll surprise us all by displaying the neat passing game on show at times last season. West Ham have displayed a certain resolve of late to rectify their woeful start to the campaign.  Piquionne has given them a real threat up front, Scott Parker is strutting around midfield like the King of East London and a return to some semblance of form for Rob Green means that they are no longer the league whipping boys. 1-2

Aston Villa v Chelsea, 5:30pm

Gerard Houllier showed against Tottenham that he has no intention of locking up shop and playing the long ball. Richard Dunne’s return in defence is a major boost for Villa as they’ve clearly missed his Terry-esque, in-the-line-of-fire brand of defending. 

Meanwhile up front, John Carew, much like mouse-squeezing man-child Lenny from ‘Of Mice and Men’, has been displaying a worrying lack of intelligence of late, and we’re not just talking about his penalty taking.  If Heskey is fit and can continue to use his bulk to pull defenders out of position and make space of the on rushing Ashley Young Chelsea may have a few problems. But probably not enough – Dunne’s return may well be countered by Drogba’s blistering form and overall we think that this battle of the powerful will go to the champions. 1-2

Sunday 17th October

Everton v Liverpool, 1:30pm

Shambles doesn’t really begin to cover it. After the most arduous, nerve-shredding of weeks, the financial tug-of-war between Liverpool’s owners and owners elect appears to almost be at an end. Having lived through this week, we’re not exactly holding our breath though. Things are not exactly rosy on field for either club really, with both sitting a long way off of European places, even at this early stage. As the cliché goes, form books are traditionally thrown casually over one’s shoulder where derbies are concerned, but you just can’t forget how woeful Liverpool have been. At best Torres will be half fit, Kuyt is out and Gerrard can’t do it all himself.

Everton’s first win of the campaign at Brum eased the pressure a little but doubts must remain as to whether David Moyes feels he’s approaching a glass ceiling. Victory for either will come as a welcome relief; defeat would simply pile on the misery. In short: massive game. 2-1

Blackpool v Man City, 4pm

Just under two weeks ago, Blackpool’s victory at Anfield sent jaws around Europe hurtling towards the floor. Of course, the ever-lovable Ian Holloway and his merry band of free transfers and journeymen won’t face a team in such crisis every week, and a repeat performance against one of the league’s form sides may be too much to ask for. But broadly speaking, could Blackpool really be in with a shout of survival?

For all the criticisms aimed their way over recent months – too many squabbling star names, too defensive a game plan, the question of Roberto Mancini’s long-term future – City go into the weekend sitting in second place, four points behind the current champions and one ahead of their bitterest rivals. It’s worth noting that very little, if any, of this negativity is stemming from their own crowd; rather, it’s the (dare we say, jealous?) onlookers having a pop. City must be loving every minute of it. 0-2

Monday 18th October

Blackburn v Sunderland, 8pm

Sunderland have shone against the big boys in recent seasons, regularly removing points from the hands of the elite. But it is fixtures like this lip-smacker in which they’ve struggled, and to my eyes Steve Bruce appears no closer to finding consistency than he was this time last year. With Darren Bent struggling for fitness, they may also be without their one true game-changing weapon. Blackburn meanwhile, have a home record to envy and despite poor little Danny Murphy’s protestations, the big man knows how to set up a team to win. Which is exactly what they will do on Monday night. 1-0

~ Ed & Matt