For me, a successful trip to the supermarket would involve walking the distance from my house to Tesco without getting flattened by a bus, picking up most of the items on my list, maybe snagging a two-for-one on Müller Rice and paying without the cashier instructing me to enter my PIN before my fingers have even been given the option. God I hate that.
I digress. I also get the feeling Roman Abramovich wouldn't entrust me with his weekly shop. Not only would he expect me to purchase the basics, he'd also want a couple of dinners from the Finest range, Parma ham off the bone, an informed yet expressive selection of New World wines, three different types of tomato and change from a twenty. In other words, he'd want it all and he'd want it well before the use-by date.
Back in the real world, the man no longer trusted by Abramovich to bring home the bacon is Carlo Ancelotti, double winner just twelve short months ago and now merely the picture lining a million fish suppers, his humble façade smeared with chip grease and stamped with the loneliest word in management: “sacked”. ‘That was a bit hasty’ seems to be the general public reaction to the Italian’s dismissal and I’d struggle to argue – after all, it’s not like any of the top Premier League sides truly fired on all cylinders this year. Lest we forget, this was a season where even the eventual champions were eminently beatable on the road throughout. Surely Ancelotti hadn't gone stale already? Well apparently he had and Roman has spoken. Metaphorically of course – the man has remained so relentlessly mute over the past eight years it wouldn't surprise me if Ron Gourlay calls his own mother for him.
So what exactly is Roman looking for in a manager? If it's Champions League pedigree then he's just fired a man with far more than most. If it's a long-term project he's after then scouting for a seventh manager in eight years hardly seems like the most obvious route toward stability. The recruitment of Fernando Torres and final day omission of Didier Drogba might have hinted at such forward thinking, but then why sack the manager that brought the Spaniard in after only finishing second? Unfortunately for Carlo, the warning signs were there throughout the season. Following the club’s refusal to renew Ray Wilkins' contract, the manager's office at Cobham must have become an even lonelier place than usual as Abramovich continued his fine impression of the pickiest lonely hearts hopeful in the universe.
Of course the purchase of Torres needn't necessarily be a reflection of the owner's intentions when it comes to current and future managers, and El Niño will obviously be available for the next lucky incumbent to enjoy. All the same, it's a pricey welcome present for someone who, in all honesty, Abramovich probably won't even plan on keeping around for long, like buying your new neighbour one of those impractically large fruit baskets before reporting them to the council for not putting the recycling bins out correctly. Chelsea is a strange footballing suburb these days – all price and expectation, and lacking in a little bit of decency and human touch.
Indeed, in sampling the online reaction to Ancelotti’s dismissal, I've found numerous comments from Chelsea fans – nestled at the bottom of articles and piled high on forums – claiming that, as exciting as the last seven or eight seasons have been, deep down they kind of pine for the days when a glamorous foreign signing came in the form of Jakob Kjeldbjerg.
So in light on Ancelotti's perceived 'failure', you have to wonder just how much enough really is. How do you measure success at the top of the English pile now that owner’s eyes are blinded by sparkly cartoon dollar signs? Roberto Mancini will be guiding Manchester City into the Champions League next term, yet even though he achieved this season’s prime goal and more, you get the feeling he’s not exactly secure in his position. Such is the precarious nature of next year's task, that a wobbly start will quite possibly see him turfed aside, his chair vacated for someone else to get comfy in whilst playing with Sheikh Mansour’s squillions.
But then maybe it’s all about how you sell the gig? Advertise the Chelsea job right, and it could be the most attractive vacancy in the land. Every manager knows they’ve got a trigger happy owner with more Euros than sense, that he’ll be inheriting a talent-rich squad to which he’ll be permitted one or two tastefully selected additions, and he’ll be out on his ear if he doesn’t hand everyone else a pasting by the middle of May. Don’t think of it as a new start, but more as a secondment – enjoy the wage rise and the corner office while it lasts, because before long you'll be back at your old desk with twelve month's worth of emails to sort through.
Still, poor old Carlo. He made a distinctly dislikeable team (and I say this as a Manchester United supporter) vaguely likeable, and brought a relaxed, it’s-only-a-game attitude to pre- and post-match briefings. He had an air of considered dignity about him. He’s been there and done it and doesn’t need to prove anything to anyone. He’s gone now – ditched with Gold and Sullivan-esque cold efficiency – but I imagine he’ll be just fine. His exit left little room for sentiment, but then I shouldn’t imagine he’d be willing to accept it anyway.
Sentimentality – or the lack of it – has become a bit of a recurring theme for departing coaches recently. A little over a week ago Avram Grant was relieved of his managerial duties having barely completed his handshaking ones at the Dave Whelan Leisure Centre, while Ancelotti was dismissed as he stepped out of the Goodison Park press room. “I have to wait and see what happens”, said the Italian only minutes beforehand. If there’s one thing you can’t criticise the Chelsea hierarchy for, it’s leaving a man twiddling his thumbs. What Abramovich perhaps needs to understand is that there may come a point where ruthlessness must be balanced out with a little bit of patience. History suggests that empires aren’t built in a day. Annoyingly for Roman, they can collapse with relative haste.
Unfortunately, sentimentality is possibly the one thing that may prevent Guus Hiddink from emotionally re-engaging with Chelsea now that the ‘position vacant’ sign is once again propped up in the window. We liked Guus – just as we liked Carlo – so his reappointment would be welcomed by the neutral. But there's a down side too. So perfect was the Dutchman's rescue job two years ago that he will be forever loved at the Bridge. If he returned and things 'went a bit Scolari’, he’d almost certainly retain the backing of the fans, but less so that of the man upstairs. Hiddink departed into the west London sunset a hero. Would he really want to waltz back in to face the cold light of day, the one which shows up all those little imperfections which under the orangey haze of victory appear more like charming blemishes than unsightly flaws? If he comes back and things don't go as planned, it'll be less bag for life and more sack for Christmas. And you can be sure Roman will be keeping the receipt.
~ Matt
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